Hey! Kid!
- Is that 422? - Yeah, man. Good guess.
- Who you lookin’ for? - I’m here. Willie Clark.
- Willie Clark, the actor. - What do you want, Willie?
I’m here to do the commercial for potato chips. Are they inside?
- We got potato chips inside? - No, we got tortilla chips.
That’s really funny!
It says on the paper 422.
“Danzig Advertising Agency. 422 East 43rd Street.” This is West, not East.
Is my agent here, Nancy Clark? She’ll sort it out. I don’t handle the business.
This is the west side. You want the east side. We’re busy.
Yeah. Looks like hard work! When do they give you a break?
- Oh, they gave me the wrong address here. - Hey, Pop!
East is the other way.
Don’t tell me. I’ve lived in New York all my life.
Uncle Willie, you’re 35 minutes late!
I was on time. The address you gave me was late.
- Come in.
Hi. Sorry, everybody. Thank you for waiting.
- Uncle Willie got held up in traffic. - Yeah. They took $36 AND my wallet.
- This is Hal Jenks from the agency. - Hi.
- And Ricky Gregg. - Pleased to meet you. Hey, sonny.
Could you get me a cup of tea? Any kind is all right.
Willie, Mr. Gregg is the director.
Oh, sorry. I thought he had an after-school job.
Hi, Mr. Clark. I used to watch you when I was a kid.
When was that? Ten minutes ago?
It shouldn’t take long. Just read the line for us.
Whatever you say. Where’s the camera going to be?
- There’s no camera. Read the line, that’s all. - No problem.
You want my coat on or off?
I could leave the coat off and keep the hat on. Whatever.
Keep your hat off, so we can see your face.
- So I should take the coat off. - I don’t really care about the coat.
- I just wanna see your face and hear the line. - It’s better with just the hat.
- Any time you’re ready. - Take your hat off, please.
Oh, you want it that way? Sure.
I’ve been eating Crumpies potato chips...
Chumpies. Chump... It’s, er, Chumpies potato chips.
Look, I got a funny idea here.
I say “Crumpies potato chips” and we hear some guy yell “Chumpies”.
So I say, “I’ve been eating Thumpy’s potato chips.”
And the guy yells again, “Crumpies! Crumpies potato chips.”
We get a laugh and we get in Crumpies three times.
- What d’ya think? - About what?
- The money. How much are they offering? - Who?
The potato chips. I’m not doing it unless the money is right.
You think they’ll hire you? You’re 35 minutes late. You say Crumpies instead of Chumpies.
- You call the director sonny. - What should I call him? Mr. Sonny?
- I’m late for my next appointment. - He’s telling me what’s funny.
- How many years I’ve been in the business? - 2.25!
Not 225. 44 years! You learn what makes an audience laugh.
- Did I tell you what words are funny? - 100 times. Words with a K in it are funny.
- I’ll tell ya. Words with a K. - Alka-Seltzer’s funny.
- Chicken.
- Chicken is funny. - Pickle.
Pickle is funny. It’s gotta have a K. K is a funny sound.
Ls, Ms and Rs are not funny.
- It’s getting cold. Take a cab home. - A cold cab is funny.
- Lettuce, melons and roses are not funny. - Taxi!
Taxi is funny.
It’s got an X, but an X is like K.
- I’ll call you. I may have something else. - Cockroach is funny.
- Not if you’ve got’em. Only if you say it. - 78th and Broadway, please.
Goodbye, Uncle Willie. Take care of yourself, OK?
I don’t need taxis. Give me my money.
- I hope this isn’t an imposition. - No.
- I told Dad about our phone call. - They haven’t spoken in eight years.
It’s a special opportunity, unless your father’s dead set against working.
Oh, no. He still works, but alone.
- With your uncle, he just got tired of fighting. - Maybe time has mellowed them both.
Dad, this is Nancy Davison.
Look, they’re selling a solid gold chain. Retails at $190.
Their price $86.50. I got you the exact same chain from Morty for $64.
He still makes a $32 profit. Who’s gonna watch a show called "Morty’s"?
Dad, this is Nancy Davison, Willie Clark’s niece.
- I’m sorry. Nice meeting you. - Hi.
- Whose niece? - Willie Clark’s.
Oh, well, nice to meet you anyhow.
Here, why don’t you... grab a chair?
I will see you two later.
- Is the chair comfortable? - The chair? Yeah, feels fine.
Retails on this show $140.
Their price $85. I got the same chair for $12.
- Really? Where? - The old lady across the street died.
- They had a garage sale. - Are you interested in sales?
No, but I don’t like to see people taken advantage of. See this watch?
- I paid $20 for that watch. - Really? That’s incredible.
- How much is it worth? - About $3. They saw me coming.
From a kid on the street. It’s a genuine Rolex but spelt with two Ls.
The leather band is rubber. The other day, the band broke, the watch snapped off.
It shot across the room, out the window. It tells time perfectly, but only in Taiwan.
- Isn’t that something? - Yeah. That’s why I don’t trust many people.
Mr. Lewis, I have always thought of you as one of the funniest comedians I have ever seen.
- That’s nice of you. Did he tell you to say that? - No.
I remember watching you and Uncle Willie when I was a girl. You were both wonderful.
You worked as a team. Was it your idea to be the straight man?
No. He said the jokes before I could get ‘em out.
- He had the jokes but you were just as funny. - Well, I know when to make a face.
- So, I suppose you know the reason I’m here. - Yeah. Is there something else I should know?
Basically, I just wanted to talk about Warner Brothers, the picture and the money.
The money’s not important. The part is important.
- That’s what worries me. - It’s a wonderful part!
The part about working with Willie again. We didn’t get along too well.
Willie is a changed man now. He’s not the same person.
I feel sorry for whoever he became. He hates my guts.
- He never said that to me. - And that’s when we got along.
All he told me was that you had some occasional differences.
Every day was an occasion. He hated me on holidays, on birthdays, on Tuesdays.
He didn’t take off the Fourth of July.
He was a little upset when you decided to retire.
I didn’t retire. I had my whole life ahead of me. I didn’t want HIS whole life ahead of me!
- You know why I quit? - Not really.
- You can ask me. - Why did you quit?
Because comedy styles change. We never changed.
He liked to do the same old jokes. The audience said our act along with us.
- They laughed, didn’t they? - It was cold out. What were they gonna do?
This time, they’ve written a script for you by the two best writers in Hollywood.
He won’t say the lines. He’ll throw in all those old 1963 jokes.
‘How’bout those Beatles? Four bugs who sing and makin’a fortune!’
- The Smithsonian Institute has that joke on file. - That’s not gonna happen.
These are young writers. They started writing for David Letterman.
Your Uncle Willie never heard of David Letterman. He’s too new.
Willie’s waiting for the 1942 re-run of Bob Hope’s Christmas Special from Iceland.
Isn’t that what made you two so funny, arguing on stage?
On stage I didn’t mind. It started in the dressing room.
In 23 years he never once gave me a hello. I finally figured out why.
- Why? - Because he couldn’t remember my name.
Can I make a suggestion? Why don’t you and Willie meet?
You can go over the script, see if you two get along.
If it goes well, I’ll tell Warner Brothers that we have a deal.
- How much money did you say it was again? - $75,000 apiece.
- My agent died, so I don’t pay commission. - That’s fine.
- Maybe I’ll buy you a little gift. - It’s all right.
The money’s not for me. It goes to my grandson’s college education.
- Oh, I’d like to meet him. - Magic? Sure.
- That’s his name? Magic? - No. His name’s David.
His favorite basketball player was Magic Johnson so he likes to be called Magic.
- That’s very sweet. - It’s better than Shaquille O’Neil.
- We watch sports, we play Nintendo together. - You play Nintendo?
Not well. A five-year-old comes in to teach me.
I think this is gonna work out just fine. I’m gonna set up a date for you to meet.
- I have really enjoyed talking to you, Mr. Lewis. - No matter how HE feels, I don’t hate him.
- I’m glad. - I come close, but not all the way.
I must say, you still look so young.
Thank you. I lost ten years in the eight years I haven’t seen him. Look! Loop earrings, $125.
- They’re nice. - You want ‘em. I’ll get ‘em for you.
- Not from this guy, from my friend Morty. - OK. Well, thank you, Mr. Lewis.
Goodbye.
Hello. Who the hell is this?
Why didn’t you say it was the door?
Uncle Willie? It's me, Nancy.
Wait a minute! I’ve been on the phone all morning.
- What’s wrong? - The door's stuck again.
It's not stuck. Just slide out the latch.
It’s broken. The lock is broken. You gotta get a locksmith.
It’s not broken. It’s the latch. Slide it out. Don’t force it.
I’m locked in again. Call 911. They know me there.
Uncle Willie, just slide the latch gently.
Never mind!
You’ve gotta slide the latch gently. I did it myself.
God, it’s cold! Don’t they ever send up any steam?
In July, in the heatwave, they send up steam.
Did you bring me ‘Variety’?
What are you doing? Your doctor said you’re not supposed to smoke cigars.
- Do you see smoke here? - But it’s in your mouth.
Right, otherwise I’ll forget how to smoke.
- Uncle Willie, I have some very good news. - The doctor died. I can smoke my cigar!
I’ve got you a job. More than a job. I want you to listen with an open mind.
What is it? A laxative commercial?
It’s not a commercial. What have you been asking me to get you for five years?
A 19-year-old red-headed roommate. Oh, how do you like that?
- Saul Burton died. - Who’s Saul Burton?
Hal Hickey, the comic. He changed it from Saul Burton.
Un-funniest man I ever saw. Went to Sing Sing to entertain the prisoners.
- They threw their Thanksgiving dinner at him. - Will you please listen?
- I just left three clients to come over here. - That’s four of us out of work.
- How’s Stephen? - Who’s Stephen?
- Your husband. - My husband’s Michael.
- Does Stephen know? - Don’t do comedy routines with me.
- This is serious. - I get names mixed up.
- One day I call your boy Billy. The next, Bobby. - His name is Brian.
- I was right that he was not a Bobby. - Why do I only get aggravated up here?
- I’ll meet you somewhere else. - Is that supposed to be funny?
- I don’t think that’s funny. - If you had a sense of humor you would.
- I have a terrific sense of humor. - Like your father. He laughed once. 1932.
- Do you want a cookie? - No. You shouldn’t either.
- They’re full of cholesterol. - They were made before there was cholesterol.
- So what’s this good news you’ve got for me? - It’s a movie. A picture.
A major film for Warner Brothers.
- You’re not excited? - I haven’t heard the plot yet.
Maybe it’s a crowd scene.
I’m riding the subway, holding a strap, all you see is my hand.
It’s a featured role, a comedy.
A funny sweet romantic poignant comedy - their big Christmas picture for next year.
God, it’s for kids! I’m gonna get oatmeal in my face!
Some kid making $6 million is gonna put molasses in my glasses.
A featured role! There’s a scene in the hospital. A little boy’s sick, his parents are divorced.
And his dog got run over. They’re gonna put the camera on me?
The nurses see if they can get a clown, but all the clowns are working.
But there’s a comedy team who haven’t worked in years, so they send the comedy team.
They do one of their old routines.
The head of Warner Brothers personally asked for you. He saw you when he was a kid.
- The part is yours. - With Lewis?
I read the script. It’s the best scene in the picture.
- With Lewis? - It has to be familiar names,
someone the audience has heard of.
- In the ‘60s, nobody was funnier than you two. - So it is with Lewis?
- Yes. - Forget it. I’ll wait for the potato chips.
- Can’t we discuss this? - I’m busy.
- Doing what? - Not discussing it.
Warners is gonna spend a fortune on publicity.
- They’ll want you on every talk show. - With the perverts.
With the mother who’s sleeping with their 15-year-old daughter’s husband, who’s 96.
Think about the money. They’re gonna pay $150,000.
- For me? - No. You’d split it with Al Lewis.
Arnold Schwarzenburger gets $15 million a picture and his suits don’t even fit.
If you turn it down, they’ll give it to somebody else.
I’m not turning it down. I’m turning it down with him. I told you.
I will never work with this man again if he lives to be 100. If he does, I’m going to 110.
Willie, you hardly work at all. Work is important for your health, your self-esteem.
I got so much self-esteem I don’t have room for it.
I have to talk to Warner Brothers. They want you with Al Lewis. What do I say?
- They could postpone the picture till he dies. - That’s a cruel thing to say.
- I’m sorry. I should have whispered it. - You were great together once.
And what did he do? He retired. He quit to spend time with his family in New Jersey.
If you’re born in New Jersey, you’re already retired. He quit in the middle of my career.
- I’ll never forgive him. - Just do this one picture.
- Then you can go back to not forgiving him. - You’re my brother’s daughter.
You bring me ‘Variety’, things to eat, things to throw up, but you mean well.
You’re nice to your uncle. The only thing is, and don’t take this personally,
- you’re a lousy agent. - Don’t say that, Uncle Willie.
I am one of the best agents in my office!
Stomach pains. I come here every Wednesday and leave with stomach pains.
- So come on Tuesdays. - You’re probably better off with another agent.
- I accept your offer. - You can’t stay like this the rest of your life.
I just had this bath robe cleaned last week.
The answer is still no.
You guys see Letterman last night with Robin Williams?
- God, they were funny! - These kids today. So quick.
- Bing, bang! Everything works. - Willie didn’t like it. I can tell.
- He can’t swallow his sandwich. - Admit it. Kids today are quicker than we were.
- Robin Williams has 23 jokes in one sentence. - Toilet jokes. Fairy jokes. Prostate jokes.
Hemorrhoid jokes. I never did that stuff. I never will.
- Who’s making you an offer? - The Warner Brothers, that’s who.
Oh! No kidding, Willie. Which brother are you playing?
I gotta go, guys. Wardrobe fitting.
Do you hear, Willie? Murray’s got a commercial - Chumpies potato chips.
I was up for that. They wanted me to say Crumpies like it was a mistake.
I said no. Maybe I was wrong.
- Crumpies huh? Should I say it, Willie? - Couldn’t hurt.
- I knew I’d find you here. Can we talk? - You don’t say hello?
These are my friends from the Friars Club. This is my brother’s daughter, Nancy.
She’s an agent. If you’re looking to quit the business, she can arrange it.
- I’ll see you guys. - This is important. Can we talk, please?
- Sylvie? - Yeah.
Keep my corned beef sandwich warm. Don’t lose my place. I know where I was eating it.
He wants to do it, Willie.
He wanted to be sure I told you he carries no grudges.
He don’t need grudges. He got other ways to kill me.
- What do you mean? - He used to give me the finger.
- The what? - The finger! The finger!
On stage. He would poke me in the arm with his finger.
He would say, ‘Listen to me, Willie.’
‘I’m telling ya, Willie.’
- ‘Know what I mean, Willie?’ - Ow!
Hurts, doesn’t it? How d’you like to have that for 23 years?
My arm was always black and blue.
My wife thought it was a tattoo of a finger nail.
If you take this job, I will buy you a padded undershirt.
Willie, you shouldn’t eat hot dogs. There’s tons of sodium in hot dogs.
So I’ll spit out the sodium. Oh!
Oh! Do you wanna hear the other things he did?
He used to spit in my face.
On stage! The man would spit in my face.
- Not on purpose. - She tells me not on purpose.
- If I could have saved the spit I’d show it to ya. - He would just spit in your face?
You think he’s stupid? He’d work it into the act!
He’d stand with his nose on top of my nose
and he would purposely say only words that began with a T.
Tootsie Roll, Tinker Toys, typing on typewriters. Some nights, I thought I would drown.
What if I put in your contract if he spits at you he has to pay a fine?
- He doesn’t care. He’d spit at me for free. - Then answer one question.
Why did you stick together for 23 years?
- Why? - Yes.
Because he was terrific. There’ll never be another one like him.
Nobody could time a joke the way he could time a joke, or say a line the way he said it.
I knew what he was thinking. He knew what I was thinking. One person was what we were.
Oh, no. Al Lewis was the best.
- The best, you understand? - I understand.
As a comic, nobody could touch him.
As a human being, nobody wanted to touch him.
Uncle Willie, people do change. His wife died three years ago.
- Mine died ten years ago. - She didn’t. She divorced you.
Same thing.
- I asked him to meet you. - I know what he looks like.
To talk, read the script, see how it goes.
Out the window - first his script, then mine, then he’ll poke me, spit in my face and leave.
He did it to me eight years ago. He’ll do it again.
- What are all those keys for? - So I don’t get robbed.
If I lost them it would take a burglar a week to find the right one.
This no-good damn door.
I’m locked out again. Go downstairs and get the handyman.
Let’s see if he’s handy.
OK. All right.
All right. It was nice seeing you, sweetheart. Take care. Give my love to Benny.
Brian! And I’m not going anywhere until you agree to meet with Al Lewis.
- It’s a bad time. I’m busy... - Uncle Willie!
- I’ll meet him on the phone. - Face to face.
- I’ll sleep on it. - Then go to bed. I’m gonna call him.
We didn’t straighten out the money. Split it 60-40. I get 60 per cent. He gets 40.
- What can he buy in New Jersey anyhow? - How can you suggest that?
Tell him 60-40. I’m the one who’s harder to get. He wants it so bad, he’ll take what he’s given.
- It’s ringing. - Tell him I’m against this!
- That’s the only way I’ll do it, being against it. - I hope he’s home.
- He’s in the garage, practicing spitting. - Mr. Lewis?
Hi, it’s Nancy Davison.
Nancy, do...
- Willie Clark’s niece. - He forgot already.
- His bald spot goes through his brain. - It’s all right, Mr. Lewis.
- Willie said yes. - Don’t forget the against it!
- He’s very anxious to see you again. - Who’s anxious? He’s anxious, not me.
- 70-30. Tell him that’s what I get. - Er... Monday, at his hotel?
Whatever time is convenient for you.
- Yeah, 3 o’clock is fine. - I’m giving a comedy lecture at Columbia.
- Make it seven in the morning. - They’re gonna send you a script.
- It’s the scene in the hospital, page 72. - If he spits or pokes I’m taking him to court.
No toy telephones typing on typewriters. I’m having my lawyer at the rehearsals.
Hello, Carol? I’m in the city. I think I’m a couple of minutes late.
No, no. I’m not lost. I’m just trying to get lost.
He’s late. He’s purposely coming late to aggravate me.
- He’s not late. It’s two minutes after three. - What’s that? Early?
- You look terrible. Why didn’t you shave? - For him? Stubble is good enough.
I feel sick.
- I think I got hepatitis. Look how green I am. - You’re making me a nervous wreck.
- He chickened out. I get 100 per cent. - Without him there is no 100 per cent.
That’s him.
Maybe you’re right. I think I need a shave.
Willie! Willie!
- Hello, Mr. Lewis. How are you? - Well, we’ll see.
- Willie’s inside. He’s just washing up. - I should hope so.
- Any trouble getting in from New Jersey? - A little bit, yeah.
It’s the first time in three years I’ve been in New York.
- Really? How did you find it? - You pay a toll and go over a bridge.
- Is that the script? - Yeah. I read this last night.
- What do you think of it? - I liked it. Magic read Willie’s part.
- That’s sweet. Was he good? - He was very good.
He doesn’t change any lines, so... Here’s my coat.
I understand.
- Let me take... - Yeah.
Excuse me. I’m just gonna...
- Willie, Mr. Lewis is here. - He knows I’m here.
- He’s just trying to remember my first name. - He’ll be right out.
I can’t express how excited I am about this reunion.
Especially for the young people who’ve not seen Lewis and Clark together.
- I wanna say thank you. - I just hope they won’t be disappointed.
- Oh, they won’t be. - I know. I’m just saying that.
Oh! I didn’t know he was here! You should have said something.
- Willie, you have shaving cream on your face. - I know. I’m not finished.
- Another ten minutes. - Wipe it off now. I have to go.
- Did you make tea? - Yes. The kettle’s on the stove.
I’m sure it’s still hot.
Well, I wish I could stay and watch this.
Just the thought of you two working together makes me laugh.
OK, so you have my number if you need anything, right?
OK, well, goodbye.
Good luck.
L-I hope it goes...
OK.
Bye.
- I’m having tea. Do you want any? - Tea would be nice, thank you.
- How do you take it? - Without shaving cream.
- That’s where you’re gonna sit? - Why? This is YOUR chair?
- They’re all my chairs. - When I’m through, you can have it back.
- What happened to your maid? - I don’t have one.
I can see that. I just wondered what happened to her.
Say when.
- When. When. When. - That’s all you want?
No, but it’s better than having scalding feet.
You don’t have that much water anyway. You want sugar?
- I don’t take sugar. Sugar’s poison. - Who says?
- The AMA. - Who’s that? The Automobile Club?
They send a car for your body when you die from sugar poisoning!
I guess you don’t want a cookie.
- What kind? - Graham, chocolate, coconut, whatever.
- You don’t have a plain cracker? - Yeah.
I have one left from the last time you were here.
- Just let me have a plain graham cracker. - In the kitchen closet, on the top shelf.
Maybe later.
- I was sorry to hear about Dee Dee. - Thank you.
- She was a nice woman. - Thank you.
Was Dee Dee her name or her initials?
Both. Her name was Dee Dee Doris Davies.
And you, er... I see you never married again.
Why should I? I’m happy the way I am.
- Why would I want to give all this up? - Shame for some lucky woman!
So, I guess you heard, Saul Burton died.
Really?
Oh, my God. I’m sorry to hear that.
- Who’s Saul Burton? - You don’t remember Saul Burton?
Oh, yes, sure! He was the manager of the Belasco Theatre.
Saul Bernstein. That was Saul Bernstein.
No, Saul Burton was the manager of the Belasco.
Saul Bernstein was the manager of the Belasco.
- And it was the Morosco. - Sid Weinstein was manager of the Morosco.
Saul Burton was manager of the Belasco. I don’t know who the hell Saul Bernstein was.
I just told you who Saul Bernstein was.
Saul Burton was Hal Hickey, the comic.
- Un-funniest man in show business. - That Saul Burton? He died?
- Ah. Where? - In ‘Variety’.
So you, er, you moved from the other place, huh?
- What other place? - Didn’t you live in a big suite?
This is a big suite, but they made it into five small suites.
For me, the city got too crowded. I live in a beautiful room with my daughter in New Jersey.
- You live in your daughter’s room? - Do you ever pay attention?
I have my own room, bathroom, credit card, my own friends.
All right. I don’t want to hear about your own underwear and socks.
What about this movie? You think we should do it?
It’s a nice part. It’s one scene.
The money’s good. It’s a week’s work. I’m inclined to do it.
I’m against it, but if you’re inclined to do it, I’ll incline too.
If you’re against it, don’t do it. I don’t need any favors.
What do you care if I’m against it? I want you to know why I’m doing it.
I don’t want to sit here, breathing ten-year-old dust with hot water and a used teabag.
- Either you want to or you’re against it. - How do you want it?
‘I’ll do it, but I’m against it?’ Or ‘I’m against it, but I’ll do it?’
Then I’m against it, too.
- But you’re doing it. - Certainly.
- Then it’s a deal. - And the money goes to my grandchild.
- The whole thing? - Yes. But only if I die.
- If I don’t, it’s for my old age. - Same with me.
- You don’t have a grandchild. - My niece’s son, Baxtor.
But we’re wasting time. Do you want to rehearse the scene?
- You’re not against rehearsing? - I’m against doing the show.
Rehearsing is important.
- You got your script? - Certainly. I was up with it all night.
Oh. What color is it?
It’s white with little black printing.
Where was I reading it? Oh. In the toilet.
I’ll be right back.
All right! OK.
OK. I got it.
- You wanna start from page one? - We don’t come on till page 72.
- I want to know the story. - I thought you read it.
- I did. It’s good to get a running start. - You want to run?
Jog around your building for 20 minutes. Come back, we’ll start on 72.
All right, all right. I’ll start.
Let’s see.
OK.
Right. Tell me when you’re ready. Are you ready?
You want me to shoot a pistol in the air? Start to read!
OK. Here we go.
‘Diane, don’t you think I’m as worried as you are? I’m his grandmother.’
‘I started thinking about a grandson since I gave birth to you.’
Wait a minute. This doesn’t sound right to me. What page are you on?
It doesn’t matter. It matters what page you’re on.
- I’m on page 63. - There’s your trouble right there. Try 72.
Ah, there it is. It’s on 72.
Turn to page 72.
- I’ve been on 72 since you went to the toilet. - All right. Page 72.
‘Int. A hospital room. Day.’
- What is ‘Int.’? - You know, it’s short for ‘interior’.
- Interior what? - Interior! You know, inside the hospital room.
Where else would a hospital room be? Outside?
Look, that’s for the cameramen and director, so they know where it is.
They don’t know where the room is?
- Who hired these people? - The same idiot that hired you.
- You never read a movie script? - I never made a movie.
Me, neither, but I have a brain in my head.
- I can see it. It’s coming through your hair. - Can you just read the part with your name?
I’ll read the part with my name. You’re Phil and I’m Jack.
Phil knocks on the door. Jack says, ‘Come in.’
Why am I Phil?
Before we begin, do you have Maalox or something?
Maybe the big extra-strength bottles?
- Why? Are ya sick? - Yeah. In about ten minutes.
The parts are equal. We got the same amount of jokes.
Phil sounds more like you and Jack sounds more like me.
Wait a minute. Let me read Phil.
Phil... Phil...
- Phil is crazy. - I didn’t write it.
- You wanna play Jack, play Jack. - All right. Let me read Jack.
Jack...
- Jack is a moron. - You wanna be crazy or a moron?
- I want to be funny. - It is. One’s crazy and the other’s a moron!
You think comedy’s about two Nobel Prize winners?
You’re teaching ME about comedy?
- I invented comedy. - The same night you designed the Titanic!
I wanna show you something. I wrote this after I got dressed this morning.
Read it.
‘This will never work out. I give it, the most, 12 minutes.’
You wrote this this morning? You didn’t have the decency to give it a chance?
- I could have made a lot of money. - It’s been more than 12 minutes.
All right. Maybe 13. I can’t tell unless I’m in Taiwan.
My daughter’s gonna call to find out how things are going.
Tell her I’m gone. I just need tolls for the bridge.
Wait. I promised my niece I’d give it an hour. We’ll work it out.
- It’s gonna happen again in ten minutes. - You got a note in the other pocket? Sit down.
I won’t stop no more.
Do you mind if we switch roles? I’m not comfortable with Phil.
I’m sure Phil will be delighted. Play whoever you want.
All right. You’re Phil. I’m Chuck.
- Chuck? What happened to Jack? - I changed it. Chuck is a funnier name.
They’re paying us a lotta money to play Phil and Jack.
We’ll give them back $50. We’ll split it. What does it say next?
Er... Phil is in the hall.
Jack is in the room trying to make the little sick boy smile.
- Phil knocks. Jack says, ‘Come in.’ - Chuck says, ‘Come in.’
It’s funnier if it’s Chuck instead of Jack? They don’t know our names yet.
It doesn’t make any difference. I FEEL funnier.
If you make one more change, I’m chucking Jack out and Phil’s going home with Al.
Say it, for Pete’s sake. Knock on the door.
Knock, knock, knock. Chuck says, ‘Come in.’
Wait a minute! You’re not outside. Go out and knock on the door from the hall.
- You can’t pretend that I’m outside the door? - Sure.
I could also make-believe I’m enjoying this! I’m not.
Go outside and knock on the door like it says, from the hall.
OK, but if you change one more word, I’m gonna publish those notes in a book.
- Ready, Chuck? - Ready. Go ahead.
- Knock, knock, knock. - Damn it!
Don’t say it. Do it.
- 80-20, that’s what I should be getting. - Here it comes.
Come in.
- I can’t open it. It’s stuck. - You can’t open a door?
Maybe you should be the crazy one AND the moron. Wait a minute.
It’s stuck. You broke it. Go downstairs, get the janitor.
He’s in the bar across the street.
- You probably had it locked from your end. - Would you please go outside and knock?
- I hope I can get out. - For good would be fine with me.
- Ready? - Yes. I’m ready.
Enter!
- You’re supposed to say ‘Come in.’ - I like ‘Enter’. It has a ring to it.
If it has a ring, why am I knock, knock, knocking? You weren’t gonna change anything.
- One little word. What’s the big deal? - Jack becomes Chuck.
‘Come in’ becomes ‘Enter’.
Instead of a Christmas picture you’ll turn it into a Western submarine musical.
- Say the words they’re paying us to say. - We’re not a team any more.
It’s a request from my niece and your grandson. We’re together but we’re separate.
Don’t tell me what to say and I won’t ask what interiors are.
Don’t tell me not to tell you not to say ‘Enter’. I’m tired of stopping every ten seconds.
- You’re starting again with the spitting? - You’re telling me I can’t talk?
You look for words with T in and spray it on my face.
- Words? I can’t even get a cup with tea in it! - I’m not gonna argue.
When you go knock, knock, knock, I’m saying ‘Enter.’
If you don’t like it, you can knock your brains out, because I’m not gonna open the door.
I’ll tell’em to get somebody else to play Harry.
- Harry? Who’s Harry? - I changed it from Phil. It’s a funnier name.
Is this a re-run of ‘This Is Your Life’? This was my life.
- If you say ‘Enter’, I’m coming in with a lawyer. - You gonna get a lawyer in New Jersey?
You’re lucky if a cow comes with ya. That’s funny.
Maybe on ‘Grand Ole Opry’ but not in New York. I’m gonna give you one more chance.
- Are you talking to me? - To Willie, Jack and Chuck. The three of you.
- You say ‘Enter’, I say ‘Goodbye’. - Oh, another goodbye, huh?
- Every eight years I get another goodbye. - Why don’t we make it every 50 years?
If I die, my son’ll say goodbye.
The finger? You’re startin’ again with the finger?
The next time you give me the finger, say goodbye to the finger!
- You’re crazy! You can kill somebody with that. - Somebody?
This is between you, me and the finger!
- You’re crazy! You’re a certified lunatic! - I’m certified, huh?
- Any bank will give you cash for it.
- It’s my daughter. I told her to call me here. - That’s my phone.
Touch my phone, you’ll touch it with four fingers.
- Hello? - Is that my daughter?
- Oh, how are you? - Is that my daughter?
Would you shut up? Can’t you see I’m talking?
Don’t you see that I’m on the phone? Behave like a human being for five seconds!
Doesn’t it occur to you that maybe I have a life and a family, too?
Hello. I’m sorry.
Certainly. Of course.
It’s your daughter.
Hello, Carol. Oh, Carol. Look, I can’t speak to you now.
I can’t talk. Because he’s, you know, C-R-A-Z-Y.
Oh, I’m the crazy one, huh?
Hey! Hey, daughter!
Your father quit on me again.
Check his pockets when he comes home. He’s taking notes on me.
You see? He pulled a knife on me. A kitchen knife!
It was filthy! It had peanut butter and jelly stains on it.
What?
She wants to speak to you.
- Who is it? - Princess Diana from England!
- You just said it was my daughter! - I forgot her name.
- Carol. Don’t change it to Katie. - What does she want?
She wants you to check the oil in her car! How do I know what she wants?
Hello?
Hello, Carol dear. It’s Willie Clark.
- Tell her I’m goin’ home. Maybe in a helicopter. - Unpleasantness? No.
Stupidity, maybe, but no unpleasantness.
Tell her to call my cleaner. I want these clothes fumigated.
I hoped it would work, too. I bent over backwards and forwards.
- He didn’t bend sideways. - Tell Magic that he was better than you.
It’s a question of one word, sweetheart. ‘Enter’. That’s all it comes down to.
Tell her I’m never leaving New Jersey again. I’m sorry they built the bridge and the tunnel.
Yes, I will. I’ll tell him myself. I promise.
- It was nice talking to you, Clara.
- I said we’d give it one more chance. - Not if you say ‘Enter.’
‘Come in’, I stay. ‘Enter’, I go.
Say it from where you’re standing.
Just ask me knock, knock, knock.
I’ve known you too long, Willie.
- I don’t trust you. - Al.
We’ve been friends 24 years.
Just ask me knock, knock, knock.
Knock, knock, knock.
Come in.
- Thank you. - And... enter!
I hope you die and they bury you in the interior.
Enter! Enter!
This man’s dangerous. You should buy a big dog.
Nice seeing ya again. If you come back, I’ll give you an ‘Enter’!
I wish there was reincarnation and you come back as your roommate.
In New Jersey, you can come in. In New York, you have to enter!
- Dad. - One second. This is my favorite part.
- Nancy drove all the way from New York. - Look.
Steve Martin and John Candy. That’s what I call a team. They respected each other.
Look how much fun they have working together.
Mr. Lewis, I hate to intrude on you.
- I had a long, long talk with Uncle Willie. - You’re the first one this century.
This clicker. $18 I paid. It can click off the television from under the water in the bath tub.
- I want to apologise to you.
- This has been a very difficult day. - No.
The day I swallowed a Szechuan spare rib was a difficult day.
The day it was 12 degrees and my eyelashes froze was a difficult day.
- Today was like the Hundred Years’ War. - Would you like some tea?
Yes. Fill the cup, and I want my own personal tea bag.
- Nancy? - No, thanks. I’m fine.
I know that Uncle Willie doesn’t always show a lot of tact.
If Willie had tact he’d nail it to my head with a hammer.
I can’t get his voice outta my head.
I turned on the car radio, every voice was his. There was a cat food commercial.
He was the cat. A headache commercial. He was the headache.
On WQXR-FM he was singing Rigoletto.
Mr. Lewis, the director wants you and Willie to come to the studio on Monday.
- What does he want to ruin a man’s life for? - He wants to make a test on camera.
He’s a very patient man. Tell me what it will take for you to give it a second chance.
An act of Congress. Maybe two secret service men on the set, or a lion tamer.
Look, he was impossible to work with eight years ago. Now he’s perfected it.
He would never tell you, Mr. Lewis. He wants this job more than you know. He needs it.
Not for the money. He needs to know somebody still wants him.
He’s never gonna find it with a peanut-butter-covered knife.
Well, I tried.
I thank you for your patience.
I’m just sorry for all the young people who aren’t gonna have an opportunity
to see you two work together.
I understand.
It’s just... It’s just, it would be such a shame if this doesn’t happen.
What if I set up a meeting?
Informal - just you and your daughter, me and Uncle Willie. A social thing.
A lunch at the Friars.
And then if nothing works out, we’ll just say goodbye.
Just a lunch. And we split the check.
He pays 60 per cent. I pay 40.
Wanna look over the menu? I'm not eating.
You have to eat something.
- How about a cup of coffee? - I’m not drinking.
- Will you say hello to him? - I’m not talking.
Maybe a nod. I’ll see.
- You’re just gonna sit there? - I’m not sitting. I’m leaning on the table.
They’re here.
- Hi. - I’m not looking.
- Hi, Carol. Hi, Mr. Lewis. - Mr. Clark.
- Uncle Willie has a bad throat. - I haven’t been to the Friars Club in years.
- Are you still a member? - Yeah. Till I die. Then I’ll quit.
- Should we order some lunch first? - No, we had lunch.
Because I thought if things didn’t go too well it might be dangerous with food on the table.
What were you gonna say?
- You two wanna go and rehearse?
I’ll get to the point. I don’t think that we should talk anyone into doing anything.
I got a call from Warner Brothers saying that they hope this works out.
I told Dad his grandson tells all his friends who he is, but they’ve never heard of him.
- Not to put any pressure on anyone.
But really it just comes down to one little word.
- Plain simple ‘yes’. - Dad said he would leave it to me.
Whatever I say he’ll agree to.
- So I say yes. - So do I. I say yes, too.
So, for my daughter, for my grandson, I say yes, too.
Uncle Willie?
- No. - No?
Nobody says yes for me. I say yes for myself.
- Yes. - Good. It’s settled.
Tell your uncle that I’ll see him at the studio on Monday.
If you’ll excuse me, I have a Nintendo lesson at three.
- Good luck today, Mr. Clark. - Thank you.
I’ll be here. They didn’t say how long it would be.
Maybe you’d better keep the motor running.
27 times on the Ed Sullivan show. 18 times on the Mike Douglas show.
- Remember Mike Douglas? - No.
Did his show 18 times. Every hotel in Las Vegas.
We opened a show for Mitzi Gaynor. Remember Mitzi Gaynor?
- No. - We opened a show for her.
- Ever hear of Frank Sinatra? - You opened a show for HIM?
No. We opened a door for him!
- He told us we were great. - He is wonderful. Even today!
Said that he never laughed so hard his entire life.
- I loved everything he ever sang. - It’s not about him. It’s about us.
Sue, Mr. Clark is here.
You still here? I’ll come back when he’s through.
- I’ll get right to you, Mr. Clark. Please, sit down. - It was nice meeting you.
If it’s an autograph you want, don’t be bashful about asking.
Oh, I’m not.
Now, I know I’ve seen YOU, Mr. Clark. You do commercials.
- I used to, but my niece represents me now. - Can I get a tea? My throat’s a little dry.
- Or are you gonna put make-up on my tonsils? - We’ve got some next door. For you, Mr. Clark?
I gotta study my lines.
You’d better watch me out there, because I’m gonna steal the show.
Let me know when it happens. I don’t wanna miss it.
I’m ready to do the scene and you have to send out for tea! Where the hell is she?
We don’t need the tea. We’re making a movie here!
- Did somebody slam this door? It won’t open. - I can’t believe this.
- I think I’m putting the ten years back on.
Nobody slammed anything. It stuck by itself.
- You bring the door from the hotel? - It’s locked.
It won’t open! Call the director! Directors know about these things.
Why don’t you go downstairs...?
Hi, I’m Willie Clark’s agent.
- How are things going? - They’re rehearsing the scene.
- Are there any problems? - As many as they can find.
We’re running out of time. We had three hours to shoot this. We have 40 minutes left.
- It’s just a test. I need to see it on film. - I just have one question.
When I knock, is he gonna say ‘Come in’ or ‘Enter’?
‘Come in.’ ‘Enter’ sounds a little Shakespearean.
You only have to tell me once.
- So, are we ready to shoot this? - Ready.
- Howie? Let’s do it. - OK, everyone. This is picture.
- Eddie, lock it up.
- They seem to be co-operating. - Wait.
Enough, already. I’m beginning to look like the Revlon girl!
Speed. Screen test Lewis and Clark. Take one.
- Marker. - And... action.
Hi, kid. How ya doin’?
- All right, I guess. - Hey, cheer up! You know who I am?
- No. - I’m Mr. Sunshine.
I brighten up the place. I’m a volunteer.
- What’s a volunteer? - That’s when you don’t get paid.
It’s like a benefit. So, what’s your name?
- Peter. What’s yours? - Uh, my name? It’s, er... Lucas.
No, Frank.
- Frank Lucas. - Just keep rolling.
- So, do you like cards? - Yeah.
- Do you wanna play peanuckle? - What’s peanuckle?
That’s an old game played with a penny and a nickel.
People used to say, ‘Let’s play Penny and a Nickel. Peanickel?’
- ‘Peanuckle.’ That’s how it got its name.
Are you expecting somebody, Pauly?
- Peter! - You’re expecting Peter?
- No, I’m Peter. - Cut.
I think the kid got his name wrong.
- It’s all right. I do it myself sometimes. - No. Willie, the boy got it right.
- His name’s Peter. - But we had a funny routine going.
I say, ‘You expecting someone, Pauly?’ He says, ‘Peter.’
I say, ‘You’re expecting Peter?’ He says, ‘No. I’m Peter.’ Bing-bang, bing-bang.
- You have any children? - I got a three-year-old girl.
- Lucky if you make her wedding. - Willie, let’s not add anything.
If you make a mistake with the name, just keep going.
I just wanna let you and Al Lewis get on camera together.
Let’s pick it up from Peanuckle. That’s how it got its name.’
Screen test. Lewis and Clark. Take two.
- Marker. - And... action.
- Peanuckle. That’s how it got its name.
- Are you expecting somebody, Peter? - No.
Well, let’s see who it is.
Come in!
And enter!
- I’m lookin’ for a boy named Peter. - Who are you?
I’m Jack, the volunteer. I’m here to cheer the boy up.
I already did it. See? That-a-boy, Paddy. I think you got the wrong room.
- Take the elevator. Get off at the 12th floor. - There are only ten floors.
Then come back as a patient. One sick kid doesn’t need two people to cheer him up.
You go cheer up the people eating the hospital food.
I’ve cheered up 22,000 people over ten years. I’m ten times funnier than you are.
- What did I tell ya about the spitting? - What?
- You’re spitting your Ts at me again. - Are you crazy? They have a microphone on.
- This’ll be in the film. - They can cut it out, like I’ll do to your tongue.
OK. Cut.
Willie, you can’t make your movie inside my movie. My movie’s about a sick kid in hospital.
Yours is about two actors arguing about something from years ago.
What? Show me in the script where it says he spits in my face?
It’s impossible to say Ts without spitting a little.
- Then don’t say Ts. Say Ls or Ws. - Guys, we got a whole scene to do.
We can’t get past four sentences at a time. Can we run it one time without stopping?
- I would love to. - I’ll go on.
But I’m moving to a safer spot.
One more time, folks. Let’s have some bells.
- We’re rolling.
- Screen test, Lewis and Clark. Take three. - And action.
Don’t tell me what to do.
- I’m ten times funnier than you. - In your dreams.
In my dreams I’m 20 times funnier. You’re not even here.
- When you wake up, I’ll talk to you. - I can make him laugh so he sends for a nurse.
- Put your money where your mouth is. - I can’t speak with a mouthful of change.
The kid’s hysterical. Now tell me who the funny one is.
The finger? You’re giving me the finger again? OK. You got the proof on film.
In the courtroom, the jury will see how he spit on me and poked me in the face.
- Calm down, please. - While you’re trying to make a fool of me?
- In front of the entire motion picture industry? - There are six people. You’re a lunatic.
I’m a lunatic, huh? I’m gonna tell you something I never told you in your entire life.
- I hate your guts. - You told me that on Monday.
Can I have a word with him, please?
- Uncle Willie, you have to calm down. - Everything I do is wrong.
He’s trying to get back at me. I won’t give him the chance. Get somebody else.
- Somebody stronger, like the Terminator. - He planned this!
He set me up for eight years, just for this day. Just to walk out on me again.
- I never wanted to do this in the first place. - Liar.
- Mr. Clark! - His daughter begged me.
- On her hands and knees on the phone! - I could be home playing Nintendo.
I could get anybody to play this part. Does it suit somebody?
He pulled a kitchen knife on me in his apartment.
Filthy, with chunky peanut butter. It could clog my arteries.
Maybe we’ll get Jerry Lewis. I only have to teach him a few things.
- It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have asked you. - He thinks I can’t work without him.
Maybe his career is over, but not mine.
Maybe he’s finished, but not me. You hear me? Not me!
No, sir.
Uncle Willie?
Uncle...? Uncle Willie!
It’s gonna be all right. Will you get a doctor, quickly?
I don’t need a doctor. I don’t trust ‘em.
Don’t talk. Somebody get me a blanket, please! Quickly, get me a blanket.
- Thanks. - Don’t tell Al.
Don’t tell him I fell down.
- I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. - There’s nothing to tell. You’re gonna be fine.
- Chumpies. - What?
That was the name of the potato chips. Chumpies.
You see? I remembered it.
Maybe HE’S finished.
But I still got it.
Here.
If anything happens to him, I’ll never forgive myself.
- How is he? - They don’t know. They’re still running tests.
I know him. He’s strong as an ox.
Anybody who spends his life doing comedy has to be.
- It’s very nice of you to come, Mr. Lewis. - Don’t tell him I was here.
- He’s very proud, you know. - Yes. I know.
He’s probably telling the nurses that he has a toothache.
That’s his doctor. I’ll be right back.
- Mr. Lewis, I’m Nancy’s husband, Michael. - Nice girl. I like her.
You know, I’ve decided to, er... get a new agent.
- I may ask her. - Sure. Why don’t you?
- Hi, I’m Carol. - I’m sorry. My daughter. Also a very nice girl.
He’s all right. They said he should be home by the weekend.
What did I say?
They don’t want him to have visitors tonight. He needs some sleep.
It’s been a long day. Go home and I’ll call you tomorrow.
- It’s a good idea, Dad. - Would you mind if I... stayed here?
It would make ME feel better.
Sure. I understand.
This probably isn’t the best time to bring this up,
but I don’t think it’s gonna work out with the picture.
Good. If that director still wanted to work with us, I wouldn’t trust him.
- Good night. - Good night.
You want some coffee, Dad?
The man yells at me on stage, gets a million laughs.
Yells at me off stage, gets a heart attack.
- Don’t act like you’re asleep.
- I get paid the same whether you’re up or not. - If I’m up, you talk all day.
If I’m asleep, you eat my candy. Two boxes in two days!
- You can’t eat ‘em anyway. - I’m not fast enough.
You’ve got the quickest mouth on the west side.
- What am I gonna do with two empty boxes? - Put ‘em on your feet.
See the flowers? You could eat them, too.
- Who sent me that big one? - There was no card.
- Maybe the White House. - They don’t sell flowers at the White House.
The President invited me to come see him once.
Oh, really? He give you his address at Gettysburg?
- For a nurse, you’re very fast, you know that? - I give respect when I get respect.
Every time I take your pulse, you take mine. I don’t have a pulse here.
I was holding on so I wouldn’t fall off the bed.
You’re a very attractive woman. I’d have liked to have seen you before you ate my candy.
Honey, you don’t wanna know what I got up under this white uniform.
Because I don’t just treat heart attacks, I give heart attacks. Time for your pill.
I’ll take you to lunch. Have a pill with me.
Why does a man recovering from an illness think it’s fine to take liberties with a woman?
What are you talking about? I haven’t taken a liberty in years.
I just want you to be sure that my heart is still beating.
- Is that a good beat? - Fine.
Like Guy Lombardo and his orchestra.
- Wanna play peanuckle? Two cents a point. - I don’t gamble.
- If you win, I’ll let you eat the cards. - I don’t like it when you diss me.
I don’t even know what dissing is.
Sometimes, I think I slept through a whole new language.
I’m just trying to be friendly. Are ya married?
- My husband passed away four years ago. - Oh, I’m sorry.
You were the nurse?
You know, I LIKE you. I really do, Mr. Clark.
‘Cause you got spunk. That’s something missing from young people today - spunk.
But if you spunk me once more, I’m gonna diss you to death.
Hey, Uncle Willie.
You look absolutely terrific.
I know. I’ve been cutting down on my sweets. Is that my ‘Variety’?
Yes, and about 100 get-well cards from all over the country.
Shecky Greene, Jackie Mason, Jerry Lewis, even Carol Burnett.
I never met Carol Burnett.
- She wished she had you on her show. - She could put me on one of her re-runs.
Joke! How could you be on a re-run if they already made it?
- I get it, Willie. - I don’t. Never have, never will.
I’m going to lunch. Don’t get up for the bathroom.
- Use the you-know-what. - If not, I’ll go you-know-where.
- Bye. - Bye.
- How do you like that? Bernie Eisenstein died. - Who’s Bernie Eisenstein?
There was a famous dance team - Ramona and Rodriguez.
Bernie Eisenstein was Rodriguez.
Willie, would you put down your ‘Variety’ for a minute?
Did you bring me a cigar?
You heard the doctor. No cigars.
No corned beef sandwiches. No cheesecake.
- No more temper tantrums, you understand? - So what’s left for me?
The Oprah Show?
- Willie? - Ah.
- I talked to your doctor this morning. - Good.
I’m gonna have to be very honest and frank with you.
You have to retire, Willie.
Give it up. No more show business.
- Until when? - Until ever.
You can’t go walking round New York in winter looking for work.
- Your health is not gonna take it. - I’ll think it over.
There’s nothing to think over. You can’t work anymore. Do you understand?
- You decide for your life. I’ll decide for mine. - I have to decide, Willie.
I am your only living relative. I am responsible for your welfare.
You can’t live here alone. The nurse leaves in two weeks. Medicare won’t pay any more.
She doesn’t need to get paid. She eats everything they send up anyway.
There’s something else that I have to tell you.
Just happened yesterday.
I’m leaving New York. I got a promotion to head up the Los Angeles office.
Michael’s a writer. He can work anywhere. So we’re gonna be moving in about a month.
You think Los Angeles is a promotion? That’s like being exiled to another country.
If Napoleon was alive, that’s where they’d send him.
It has its good points. Even Brian’s excited about moving there.
What about us?
You and me. Does that mean that you don’t see me anymore?
- Would you really miss me, Uncle Willie? - It’s not a question of missing you.
I just got used to seeing you.
That may be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, Willie.
No. I don’t intend to stop seeing you.
Michael, Brian and I want you to move with us.
We’ve seen houses that we like. One has a guesthouse.
So you can still have your privacy.
What would I do all day? There’s just so long that you can watch mud slides.
This house is ten minutes from the Friars Club. Every comic belongs there.
You can go for lunch, even do a show when they roast somebody.
They’ve got enough fires out there to roast everybody. Is this an ultimatum?
- Do I get a choice? - Of going?
No. Of who gets the big house and who gets the guesthouse.
I’ll tell you what. We’ll toss a coin when we get out there.
OK, now, there’s one last thing that I want you to do for me.
- What? - Promise you won’t get excited.
Tell me, already.
Al Lewis wants to come up and see you.
If you wanted to kill me, why didn’t you bring the cigar?
- He has been heart-sick since this happened. - And I got the mumps?
Who do you think’s been sending you the candy and the flowers?
He was afraid you’d throw them out.
They’re his flowers?
Throw ‘em out!
He just wants to say hello. He’s not going to stay long.
If he pokes me in the chest I’m a dead man. That’s murder one.
Spitting at me is murder two and three.
Just do this for me, OK?
Even if you never speak again, let him say hello.
- Let him come. What do I care? - OK. Thank you.
- I don’t know what to say to him. - Just be friendly and don’t talk show business.
He doesn’t know any other subject. On ‘Jeopardy’, he’d owe them $50,000.
Could you tell Mr. Lewis to come up? Mr. Clark said it would be fine.
He’s here already? I thought you meant in the spring or something.
- He says it’s all right to come up. - Take your time. I’ll wait here.
- I think this is wonderful of you to do this. - Didn’t I say that in the car?
You’re not supposed to be up.
I’m not giving him the satisfaction of seeing me like a sick man.
- I’m gonna sit up, looking better than him. - You’re not supposed to get up for anything.
Lewis coming to apologise to Clark is not anything.
It’s worth getting a heart attack.
He’s not coming to apologise. He’s coming to say hello.
- If he doesn’t apologise, I’ll drop dead for spite. - What are you doing?
Against the wall. This spot.
I want him to have a long walk when he comes in.
- Why am I doing this? - My pillows! My pillows on the chair.
I wanna look down on him when he comes and says he’s sorry.
- I’ll get it.
Eight years.
Eight years I’ve waited for this to happen.
Hi. Thanks for coming. He’s inside.
- If he’s sleeping, I could come back. - No. He just nods off now and then.
- Can I take your coat? - No, thanks.
My daughter’s double parked in the parking lot, so...
Uncle Willie?
- Uncle Willie, someone’s here to see you. - What? Uh?
- Look who’s here to see you, Uncle Willie. - I don’t have my glasses. Who’s that?
It’s me, Willie. Al.
- Al who? - Al Lewis.
Al Lewis? Is that you?
You’re so far away.
Walk ALL the way over here.
Oh! THAT Al Lewis.
I don’t want to disturb you, Willie. I... Very nice flowers. Very beautiful.
- Specially this one. - I’m gonna throw’em out.
They turned bad right away. People send them with boxes of cheap candy.
They mean well.
So, um... I just came to say, you know, hello.
So, hello.
And, er, you know. Goodbye.
No, no. Please stay, Mr. Lewis.
Please. I have to go find the nurse anyway.
It’s... It’s good to see you here.
Both of you.
Together, I mean.
OK. Bye, Uncle Willie.
Bye.
Nice girl.
Don’t force it. Slide it.
So, you got everything you need? Books? Magazines?
- I got all my fan mail to answer. - You get fan mail?
- Sure. Don’t you? - I don’t even get jury duty.
- Is it all right for you to sit up and talk like this? - I’m not. YOU’RE talking.
Is there something special you wanna talk about?
- Like what? - How do I know what’s on your mind?
- Do I know why you can’t sleep at night? - I can’t sleep at night?
- Halfway through ‘Seinfeld’, I’m out like a light. - You look tired, a little bit troubled.
Like a person who has something on his conscience.
- I got nothing on my conscience. - Are you sure?
I got nothing on my conscience. I’m sorry you got sick.
Thank you. I accept your apology.
- What apology? I didn’t apologise. - You didn’t just apologise for making me sick?
You made yourself sick. You yelled like a lunatic and gave yourself a heart attack.
Why did you come with your hat in your hand?
I have a hat but I wouldn’t bring it here. It costs a fortune to get it cleaned.
Why did you send me flowers and you didn’t put your name on it? You were ashamed.
Only, this time I’m not even going to accept your apology.
How do ya like that? I finally got what I wanted, after eight years.
What? I gave you no apology, which you didn’t accept.
I don’t want to discuss it any more.
You know what’s wrong with us, Willie? Bad chemistry.
- H20 and K17 don’t mix. - What’s K17?
It’s a sun lotion. I couldn’t think of anything else.
If we were so wrong, why did we make people laugh?
Because when two people don’t mix good, it’s funny.
When they do mix good, it’s a love story.
You and me as a love story. That’s hysterical. Romeo and Jennifer.
- I knew you’d change it. - Everybody’s got their ups and downs.
In 23 years, we had maybe one ups.
- I can’t take the downs any more. - I’m never giving up.
My career’s picking up again.
- Beginning to weed out some offers now. - What offers you weeding?
My niece came up with something. Out of town. Not too hard.
- Do a show now and then. - Oh. Wonderful.
- So, what’s with you? - Good news.
My daughter’s husband, David, the lawyer, got an offer from a big firm.
- We may have to move out there in July. - Where?
The coast, California.
- What part? - Los Angeles. It’s great.
There’s beach, there’s sun, the Friars Club, all our old friends.
Hey, God. I got the finger again!
- You got chest pains? - No, but I’m expecting them.
- You want me to call a doctor? - He’s downtown.
- Why did you get sick uptown? - Wasn’t that from our act?
I can’t tell the difference between our act and us anymore.
You’re a funny man, Al. A pain in the ass, but a funny man.
You know what your problem is, Willie?
You take the jokes too seriously.
They’re just jokes. We did a comedy act for 23 years, I don’t think you enjoyed it once.
If I was there to enjoy it, I would buy a ticket.
Well... I’m gonna let you get some rest.
If you’re ever in Los Angeles, call me and we’ll see each other.
- You can count on it. - Unless, of course, I’m too busy working.
- You’re going back to work? - Just to keep busy.
- I signed yesterday with a new agent. - Who’d take you on?
You’d be surprised. Well, I feel good that we had this talk, don’t you?
Some parts could have been better.
Listen, I’m getting a little tired. Keep talking to me, I’ll fall asleep.
It’s funny, when I was driving over the bridge, I was thinking how we first met, remember?
No. And I’m not anxious.
It was at a benefit at some hotel in Atlantic City.
It was at the veterans’ hospital in Brooklyn.
No. That was the second time we met.
You asked me, ‘Remember the first time we met?’ The first time was where the second time was.
No. You’re wrong. The second time was the second time.
The first time was in New Jersey. The second time was the first time I met Helene.
- Who’s Helene? - She introduced me to Dee Dee.
Who cares?
Anyway, it was at a benefit. I went on third. I was terrific.
Buddy Hackett followed me. He was fantastic. He brought down the house.
I felt sorry for you having to follow Buddy Hackett. I thought you were wonderful.
- I understand why you didn’t do too well. - Who says I didn’t do too well?
I did, just now. With my spot, you’d have been a smash.
- You’re reviewing a show I did 28 years ago? - I’m telling you how we met.
Even though you weren’t a hit, I knew I wanted to work with you.
- why did you want to work with me? - You were original.
A little too crazy, a bit too angry, but I thought, ‘He's the opposite of me.’
It was my brother's idea. He was still an agent. Also, he was still alive.
- It's not important. Why argue about it now? - I'm not. I'm going to sleep.
Your brother was there. I suggested you and I should team up. He said, ‘Great idea.’
You want to take credit away from a dead man, do what you want.
- Maybe it's a good idea I'm going to California. - I hear Scotland is nice.
Anyway, we went for coffee after the show, talked about teaming up.
- The name Lewis and Clark was a natural. - I changed it from Lewman and Clewinsky.
- That's when you started to change names. - You always have to have the last word.
- No, I don't. - See? You just had it.